Am I really Loving My Wife?

In our synagogue, we have men’s discipleship groups which get together weekly to study Scripture, pray, and hold each other accountable as we grow as disciples together. As a part of our accountability, many of those who are part of these groups have committed to pray specific prayers for our wives (or future wives) for 30 days. These directed prayers are all based upon specific scripture foundations. I was reading and praying over one of the verses in order to gain deeper understanding and insights, as well as to check my heart, to see if I was just praying the words of the verse or if I was actually aligning with the verse in practice. The particular verse I was working my way through was Ephesians 5:25:

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives just as Messiah also loved His community and gave Himself up for her…”

I have been married for nearly 45 years (to the same woman) and I have always thought of myself as a good husband who has lived my life to serve and provide for my wife. If I were to rate myself as a husband based upon this verse I would have given myself a high B average. But the more I thought about the meaning of this verse the more I found myself lowering my score. Not because I have been a bad husband. For our entire marriage I have done my best to provide a good, safe home, food and clothing, and as many extras that we could afford. I have loved my wife since the first time she cooked chicken for me and my love for her has increased with each passing year. But I had to ask myself the question: “Have I loved her as Yeshua (Jesus) loved His community by giving myself for her?” 

In order to answer this question honestly I had to look up the words “gave up for her”. These words carry a very strong definition. Which had me wondering if my love for my wife fulfilled this admonition. The Greek word paradidómi means “to surrender,” i.e yield up, intrust, to commit, to imprison. These are strong words that I never really considered when thinking about how I love my wife. Normally, when I would think about giving myself up for her, I thought in terms of choosing to do what she wanted instead of what I wanted. You know, I went shopping with her when I wanted to go play golf; going to her favorite restaurant again instead of going to where I preferred; watching a rerun of her favorite television series again for the umteenth time instead of watching something live on television. Now each of these things did demonstrate a certain level of giving myself for her, but not the fullness that Ephesians 5 speaks of. 

Ephesians 5 speaks of surrendering, yielding up, fully committing. Have you ever thought about this verse in those terms? If we are to be Biblical husbands then we don’t have the choice not to put our wives first. This doesn’t just mean choosing to do the things they want to do when they conflict with doing the things we want to do. This means looking for opportunities to choose and serve them instead of just waiting for a conflict of desires to arise. This means actively looking for things we can do for them instead of looking for things they can do for us. This means not only allowing them to choose the television program, the restaurant, or an activity. This means thinking first about what your wife might want to do or even more what your wife might need you to do for her. One of the best ways to say “I love you” to your wife is to ask “What can I do for you today?” Or, “What can I do to make your day easier or better today?” It is important that when we ask this question we don’t ask it in the mindset of “If I can fit it into what I have planned to do today, what can I do for you?” But rather, in the way of saying “You are more important than my plans, my desires, and my needs. What can I do for you today?”

The more I thought about the Ephesians 5 kind of love, the lower I scored my love grade. Yes, I love my wife, but have I been truly giving myself for her? Have I only given myself for her when it fit into my plans, when it was easy to do, or when I wanted or needed something from her? 

Remember, Yeshua didn’t give His life for us instead of doing something He wanted to do. He gave His life for us because He loved us and gave himself for us. He fully surrendered His will for His bride. He fully yielded up His will for His bride. He fully committed His will for His bride. Yeshua set the bar high for us (but not too high for us to reach) if we really want to love our wives.